STAT’S MORE LIKE IT

Shelf Panthers 3 Norristhorpe 5


Football teams love statistics, so the Panthers have commissioned an in-depth analysis of their last two games to give them some pointers for the next few weeks – and the conclusions are hugely encouraging.

Last week, Shelf lost by eight goals; today the margin of defeat was a respectable two. Number-crunchers from the University of Stone Chair fed this data into a specially-developed computer programme to come up with the confident prediction that the team will beat Vision by four clear goals next week and be a massive ten goals better than Hall Green United on 7 December.

Just like Man United, it seems that the Panthers only really get into their stride once winter starts to set in.

On an icy day, goalkeeper Cameron Wells managed to avoid hypothermia by pulling off five energetic saves in the first ten minutes as Norristhorpe had the better of the early exchanges.

But Panthers striker Tobias Mears turned things round in dramatic fashion with a hat-trick in just eight first-half-minutes.

His first was a towering header from a perfectly-struck right-wing corner by Tom. The second was made by the pace of Robert, who raced down the right touchline to beat his marker to the ball and whip in a cross which Tobias struck past the keeper. His third was a powerful left-foot strike after he was played through by Jonny.

Using their sophisticated computer modelling, the university boffins reckon Tobias will score six against Vision and nine against Hall Green United and his dad Simon – who operates a generous cash-for-goals scheme – will be bankrupt by Christmas.

Norristhorpe pulled one back in the 22nd minute through a lovely chip from the edge of the area, and made sure of the points with four second-half goals as they played down the slope and kept the Panthers pinned in their own half for long periods.

Coach Tony Williams was philosophical in defeat. “I might change things around next week,” he told the post-match press conference. “Jojoba, peach and dandelion worked pretty well today, but next week I might pick lemongrass, guava and daffodil.

“Mmmm, smell those bibs – lovely.”