Famous Five: Panthers turn on the style

SHELF PANTHERS MATCH REPORT 20 FEBRUARY 2011
Linthwaite 8 (44 points) Shelf Panthers 5 (46 points)

A radical new scoring system is being secretly piloted in the Huddersfield Junior League (under 14s, division 4B). FIFA President Sepp Blatter is rumoured to be watching the trial closely with a view to introducing it in all levels of football, from the World Cup down, next season.

Forget the old, unfair method of deciding who’s won a match by simply counting the number of goals scored by each side. Under the new system, a panel of impartial judges awards a mark out of ten for the quality of each goal, and those marks are then added together to give a final points total. It’s a bit like Strictly Come Dancing, only with fewer sequins and more mud.

Because of the stunning quality of their five goals (two tens, two nines and an eight), the Panthers amassed 46 points, narrowly defeating their title-chasing hosts, whose eight pretty average goals only netted 44 points (four sixes and four fives).

The first wonder goal came after 22 minutes, with Shelf trailing 2-0 despite playing some bright and inventive football. Robert was fouled 25 yards out, and Tom Wood’s sweetly-struck free kick sailed over the wall, then dipped perfectly to nestle into the top right hand corner.

Linthwaite had won their previous match 17-0, but in a breathless ten minutes before half-time, the Panthers produced some of their best football of the season and gave the home side a real scare.

26 minutes: Tom Brett averts a certain goal, flinging himself to his left to palm the ball wide.
28 minutes: Linthwaite make it 3-1 with a close-range effort.
29 minutes: Adam Renard finds Toby on the edge of the area, and he shimmies past two defenders before steering the ball out of reach of the keeper’s dive and into the bottom left corner. 3-2.
30 minutes: Man of the Match Jonny throws himself backwards to head a goalbound shot over his own crossbar - the most spectacular of a whole series of flying clearances by the Panthers’ captain.
31 minutes: Toby receives the ball way out on the right touchline and shapes to shoot. He can’t possibly score from there, can he? 3-3.
31 minutes: Straight from the kick-off, the ball breaks to Toby, who spots the keeper off his line and hits a Beckhamesque lob from the halfway line. It’s heading for the net, but the keeper just makes it back and clutches the ball gratefully to his chest.
32 minutes: Linthwaite come storming back to make it 4-3.
35 minutes: Another free kick, 30 yards out on the left. Up steps Tom Wood again. Once again, the ball sails over the wall. This time the keeper manages to block it, but he only pushes it as far as Ryan, who bundles home his first Shelf goal. 4-4.

The second half couldn’t quite live up to the excitement of the first and, playing without substitutes on a heavy pitch, the Panthers began to tire.

Linthwaite hit four quick goals between the 48th and 60th minutes, but were then kept at bay by some excellent goalkeeping by Tom Brett, some terrier-like tackling by William and more aerobatics by Jonny.

And Shelf had the final word with another sensational goal a minute from time. Adam Renard won the ball in midfield and played it into the area, where Toby controlled it on his chest before smashing it into the bottom left corner.

Len Goodman – TEN! Alesha Dixon – TEN!.....